


None Of Us Are Going Back

by whatfinemarble



Category: Half Life Trilogy - Sally Green
Genre: Half Bad - Freeform, Half Lost, Half Wild, I've never written for this fandom before, M/M, MAJOR SPOILERS FOR HALF LOST !!!!, Slow Burn, Third Person POV, but here we go, major warning for gore and blood in later chapters, this is a fix it for the ending of half lost
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-20 10:46:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9487811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatfinemarble/pseuds/whatfinemarble
Summary: So Gabriel's alive. So Nathan isn't entirely lost. But things can't go back to normal, not yet. Gabriel is lost and searching. Nathan is lost and running. Sometimes to find peace, one must travel along a hard and painful road...Gabriel/Nathan. Major spoilers for the end of Half Lost.





	

**Author's Note:**

> "We were in the gold room where everyone  
> finally gets what they want, so I said What do you want, sweetheart? and you said Kiss me. Here I am  
> leaving you clues. I am singing now while Rome  
> burns. We are all just trying to be holy. My applejack,  
> my silent night, just mash your lips against me.  
> We are all going forward. None of us are going back."
> 
> **\- Richard Siken** , "Snow And Dirty Rain"

The baby is born and, of course, he is beautiful. 

Annalise glows and smiles with such serene beauty, that Gabriel himself feels his heart melt. Her new husband gushes, reaching to squeeze the child’s hand. The baby has tawny brown skin, only a few shades lighter than his father. Annalise’s perfect lips, her perfect nose, and her perfect face – the baby possesses those too.

His eyes are honey-gold. She names him Edge.

Gabriel comes to visit. He is injured, barely holding himself together, but he’s there. 

Nathan is missing. Gabriel nervously twists the ring on his finger. Nathan has been missing for a while now. 

Annalise’s widened eyes slowly take in the sight of Gabriel. Her eyes rake the room. The crease of her brow tells him she, too, is missing Nathan. Gabriel tries to smile. It probably comes across as a smirk. He turns his back and walks away before he says something too kind. 

The whole problem with Annalise is that she did nothing wrong. In fact, she is beautiful, kind, generous, smart. She and Nathan would make a great couple, Gabriel muses bitterly, and they are linked together forever through the birth of the most beautiful child in the world. 

But Gabriel can’t even hate Annalise anymore. He definitely doesn’t hate Edge. He has no energy left to hate anything. He sees things that aren’t there and hears strange things at night. He’s becoming increasingly paranoid – all apparently side effects of the copious amounts of poison his body absorbed. It took him weeks to be able to walk again, although Arran tells him that the paranoia will all disappear, after a little while. 

And then, of course, there’s the issue of Nathan. 

Gabriel would give his life a thousand times to make sure Nathan was safe. But all of it means nothing at all when Nathan is in pain. To be at risk but in a state of bliss or safe but in pain – Gabriel twists the ring on his finger again compulsively. 

_Where are you Nathan?_

***

 

The baby is born and, of course, he is beautiful. 

Nathan lies on the bank of a river. His hair has grown out, long and unruly. He has even started to grow a beard. Gabriel is alive. Annalise is alive. Annalise has given birth to their son. She named him Edge. All the facts run through his head to the rhythm of his heartbeat.

_I am. Still lost. And scared._  
I am. Alone. Again.  
I am. Afraid. Afraid. 

He chastises himself for feeling afraid. He wants to cry and scream and yell and punch someone. He wants to rip apart something with his bare hands. Nathan’s hand sinks into the mud next to him and he pulls a fistful of it onto his bare chest. He isn’t sure why he does it. It feels good though. It feels normal. He does it again. He imagines how hard Gabriel would laugh at him if he saw him now. “You are burying your head in the sand, Nathan,” Gabriel would snort, “like a literal ostrich. Maybe that’s the creature you become, your Gift. An ostrich.”

And Nathan would cuss him out and shove him around lightly. And Gabriel would laugh and laugh and Nathan would swear even more but he’d be smiling. And then Gabriel would stop laughing and Nathan would lean in slowly, carefully, and he would kiss Gabriel so deliberately, with no hesitation. And they would both sink into the mud, bare feet and tender kisses.

Nathan supposes he’s been waiting at the river by himself because he knows, eventually, he will end up seeing them all again. And he knows that once he goes back, he can never return. Love is like the cage, he thinks to himself, except its warm and it feels good. It holds you in its arms like a big hug. But it holds you nonetheless. 

He isn’t afraid of being in that cage himself, but he’s afraid for Gabriel. It’s Nathan’s fault, in some strange and twisted way that everything happened the way it did. Nathan is the real monster. 

Nathan thinks of Edge, of his son, and he smiles. It’s always Edge or Gabriel. He thinks about them the most, thinks about them constantly. He imagines futures in which he’s living in Wales with both of them, allowed to hold them, and he supposes Annalise could be there too. She wouldn’t visit often, but she would visit sometimes. 

One scenario:  
It’s Edge’s seventeenth birthday and Nathan is the one who is giving the Gifts.  
“A piece of silk from Mercury’s dress that Annalise kept”  
“A sketch I did of you and Gabriel when I was alone after the war”  
But the third gift is something he can’t quite think of. A handful of mud. A hug. _A bullet_. It all comes rushing back to him. For the hundredth time since the war, Nathan is completely overwhelmed. 

_Killer. Killer. Killer._ The syllables are his blood now, his heartbeat cluttered with the sound of it. It all begins to run on. His heartbeat quickens. The animal inside him stirs. He gets it now. It’s his self-defence mechanism. When Nathan shuts down and cannot function as a human being, when all the blood and the trauma hits him hard, the animal comes out and takes control. The creature is protecting him.  
Nathan slows his breathing. He’s not in any real danger. He centres himself back to the river. The flashbacks are not real. But they aren’t quite imagined either. 

Nathan’s breathing has slowed down but he is not calm. He feels angry and afraid. He puts more mud on his chest. He will need to eat something soon and find some fresh drinking water. 

He thinks of Gabriel and Edge and nothing else. He lifts himself up off the ground and sees Gabriel in his mind. He squishes Edge’s cheeks in his mind. They are living in a cottage in Wales, he imagines, the three of them. Arran and Adele live next door. The only people Nathan has left and they’re all living together, he imagines.

He takes one step. Then another. 

***  
Gabriel has found a place to live in London. He drinks a cup of coffee for breakfast. For lunch, he has another cup of coffee. For dinner, he has fruit. He sleeps fitfully from 6am. He wakes from nightmares at 9am. This repeats for weeks. For two weeks and one day, to be exact. Gabriel has taken to changing his appearance constantly, wondering if other people’s eyes still see what his have seen (of course, he knows the answer, of course he does – but he tries anyway). He only leaves the house at night when he has to get out. He spends most of his time alone. 

After two weeks and two days, there is a knock at the door. He is just about to start on some lunch. He’s brewed the coffee to perfection. The knocker is persistent. Gabriel grunts and spills his coffee, hands shaking slightly. A small voice in his head whispers: “what if its Nathan!”

He reluctantly answers the door. 

It is not Nathan.

“Gabriel,” Adele greets him with a nod, “you look… different.”

He remembers he had been pretending to be Susan Boyle. After all, she could at least dream. He had hoped that taking her appearance would mean he could dream too.

He changes back to the Gabriel who Adele knows. He’s used to pretending to be this person. He even smiles for her. “I was just having a go, making sure my Gift still works.”

His voice does not sound normal. It sounds disgusting and wrong. He hasn’t spoken in a while, he supposes. Speaking takes practice after all.

Adele moves silently through his apartment and Gabriel slowly follows. He tries to step as gracefully as Adele but he can’t manage the lightness of her step. She sits in the antique sofa that came with the apartment, the deep burgundy material making her bright hazel eyes stand out. Gabriel hovers; he does not sit. 

“Any news from Nathan?” He tries to speak casually but it’s not a light question and instead his voice breaks and he has to clear his throat and ask again. 

Adele shrugs and he is grateful for her lack of pity. “He’s the same. He’s hiding. He sent Arran a drawing. We think he’s somewhere in Wales, wandering around. I’ve got it here; I think he wanted you to have it.”

Adele produces a crumpled piece of paper from her trouser pocket. The paper is smeared with dirt. She holds it out to him and Gabriel has the urge to greedily snatch it from her fingers, but he is so anxious he ends up reaching out slowly, too afraid to touch the paper in case it all crumbles to ash in his hand.

Eventually he manages to open it. He is so careful, and his hands are shaking slightly, so he wants to make sure it doesn’t tear. At least Adele is silent. She gives him this.

Gabriel traces his fingers over the paper, ghosting his fingertips over the sketch of himself holding an infant. It’s Edge. Gabriel knows it is because Nathan has drawn the child perfectly. And Nathan has drawn Gabriel perfectly too. Gabriel’s face in the sketch is gentle and loving. He doesn’t remember the last time he wore that expression, it was probably the last time he saw Nathan. Edge is smiling in the drawing, all chubby cheeks and bright eyes. It looks so real; it could almost be a photograph. 

“He didn’t write anything to go with it.” Adele explains. “He just left it under the door.”

“It doesn’t need to be explained.” Gabriel answers.

Adele sighs very softly. “You know, I think Annalise would love to see you too.” The comment comes out of nowhere and catches Gabriel slightly off guard. “She misses seeing Witches. Her husband is-”

“I know.” Gabriel replies quickly. “I saw her right after Edge was born. I met them both. He seems fine.”

“She talks about you sometimes.” Adele muses quietly. “She never talks about Nathan but she does talk about you.”

Gabriel feels winded and he doesn’t know why. Adele must notice because she’s suddenly making excuses about running late for an appointment and then she kisses him on the cheek twice, unfeelingly, before rushing out. He locks the door behind her. 

Later, he is studying the drawing on his dining table. He half-heartedly remembers his lunch, the pot of coffee cold on the stove. It doesn’t matter though, nothing really matters. Nothing except for Nathan. He knows, deep down, he has to go to Wales tomorrow. Even if Nathan doesn’t want to leave, Gabriel just needs to see him. To hold him once. A brief and fleeting hug. Maybe a peck on the cheek. 

He wants nothing more or less than that; just one quick embrace. 

***  
_Gabriel was on the floor, blood pooling out, oozing from the multiple wounds. Nathan was squeezing Gabriel’s hand, stroking his cheek, murmuring, screaming. “You can’t leave me!”_

_The bullets were the kind that burrowed in and swam around. Arran was able to extract them but Gabriel had lost so much blood, more blood than Nathan knew a person could have. And there was still the poison. That would take a long time to heal._

_Arran was crying but a smile tugged at his lips. “He’s going to make it!” Arran was grinning now, embracing Nathan. Nathan allowed himself to be held for a brief moment. He looked at Gabriel’s face: the crease of his brow as he fought so hard against the poisons; Gabriel’s teeth biting his own lower lip, the pink skin breaking. There was even blood clumped in Gabriel’s hair, the part where it usually curled and tucked under his ear was tainted with blood._

_“Nathan?” Arran was touching his face. “Nathan? Are you okay?”_

_Nathan remembered running. There was a blank period between staring at Gabriel’s injured body and feeling the rush of wind hit his face as he sprinted and sprinted. The only memory that his mind could process was his fingertips softly wiping away the blood on Gabriel’s cheek. The only thought he could conjure was the harrowing ache of: You Did This._

_Days later, Nathan had realised that those who touched him could never be safe. Annalise had fucked him and her deranged uncle had kept her in a cage. Gabriel had kissed his neck and he had been tortured. Nikita hugged him and she was killed. How many times had Deborah wiped away tears from his eyes? How many times had Gran held him as an infant? Marcus? His own mother?_

_For the sake of the two people he still had – Gabriel and Arran – he decided he would stay away. Gabriel had already suffered for him and it was only a matter of time before Arran was targeted. The part that tormented Nathan the most was how unfair it felt, and he seethed with frustration at the whole thing, raging at the world and everyone who got their happy ending. He was burning up inside and before he could think about it, the animal took over._

_A few days after that, the anger had died. He became resigned to the fact that he would just never touch anyone again. Especially the people he loved._

***

Arran said he hasn’t had contact with Nathan, aside from when Nathan put that drawing in his and Adele’s mailbox, and even then Arran hadn’t even seen Nathan do it. Arran said that he thought Nathan might be in Wales somewhere, but he couldn’t be sure. Gabriel could put together some sort of story based on the drawing alone.

Paper: thick, cream-coloured paper torn from an art book. Probably stolen from a shop.  
Pencil: only the one shade of lead, parts of the drawing were unfinished. Probably also stolen from a shop.  
Smell: a little musty. Might have been exposed to rain at some point.  
Illustration: Nathan cares.  
_Nathan cares._

Gabriel, strangely enough, misses Nesbitt… especially for tracking others. Especially right now, when he needs to track Nathan down but he has zero leads and a headache. 

Actually Gabriel had tried to get in contact with Nesbitt to help with the tracking but the phone number kept ringing out and after four calls a woman’s voice answered, slurring “how’s it goin?” before swearing loudly and ending the call. 

When he felt truly desperate, he wanted to call Annalise and ask her. Now, he thinks about it and wonders if she might know. His hands reach for his phone and his fingers delicately hover above the screen. Would it hurt to try?

He enters the number. He erases it. He enters it again. Erases it again. 

Nathan wouldn’t want him to get Annalise involved. The last time Nathan talked to Gabriel about her, he was ready to bite her perfect head off. 

_But Nathan’s not here._

And no one hated Annalise more than Gabriel. Everything about her was wrong. When they were at Mercury’s house, when Annalise woke up, he felt his insides squirm as he remembered his sister. Michele wouldn’t want him to get Annalise involved. He feels his insides squirm again. 

_But Michele isn’t here either._

None of them are here. Maybe that’s the problem. Gabriel has no one else. He closes his eyes and breathes deeply. 

Michele is in the kitchen with him now, making coffee. She hums a sweet song. She rests her hands on his shoulders. “Vivre sans aimer n’est pas proprement vivre” she quotes, her mouth close to his ear, her hands squeezing now, putting more pressure on him. He’s trying to open his eyes but he can’t, he can’t even stand up, there’s too much pressure and he feels like—

Gabriel takes a deep breath and his eyes flutter open. Michele is not here. Soft amber light spills in to the kitchen from the half-opened window, whispering that the day will soon end. Music drifts in from down the street. The bass is throbbing but it’s so far removed that it transforms into a soft-spoken hum, no louder than a bird’s song. A dissonant car horn sounds in the distance. The sounds cannot pierce the beauty of the sunset. 

It was all a dream or a hallucination or something. A side effect of the poison, Gabriel thinks. But it pushes him to stand and walk quickly to his bed. He collects a backpack and various items of clothing, some of them for him, mostly for Nathan. He packs a can of Spam because it’s all he has in his pantry. He tucks a blade into his trousers. 

Gabriel leaves quickly and on a whim. He packs nothing else. 

***  
He observes Nathan before he approaches him. 

It isn’t exactly hard for Gabriel to find Nathan in the end. It becomes easier when he follows his instincts. He has some sort of Nathan-tracker in his soul, some sort of spiritual compass that pulls him close to Nathan. When he’s torn between two paths and the fog grows dense, his soul knows which path Nathan took. And so he can confidently go the same way. Maybe this is love, he reflects, possessing deeper knowledge of the ones you yearn for. 

Gabriel finds an oak tree, the size of a small building and almost as thick. Its mossy trunk has twisted and forked, and there is a cavern in the centre of the tree, the doorway decorated with quaint white flowers. Gabriel does not hesitate for a moment. He crawls into the tree.

The space inside is not long but it is tall. Gabriel can stand up inside the tree but he can’t lie down. This is the first thing he notices.

When he looks up, he sees the grey sky through overgrown branches. Gabriel lifts one hand and spreads his fingers out, pressing his palm against the inside of the oak. He closes his eyes and imagines Nathan doing the same thing. _Nathan hasn’t been sleeping_ , he realises, since the tree is not long enough to sleep in. _But he has been creating_.

After he leaves the tree he walks for sixty steps until he finds another tree. This one is larger still, covered in moss that hangs over the cavern in the tree like lush green curtains. The tree is beautiful in the most breathtaking way, like walking past a faerie tale. Gabriel keeps walking and finds more trees and then he learns to follow them a trail. He hopes, in the middle of it all, Nathan will be waiting for him.

Until, finally, he sees him. 

Nathan’s hair is thick and black and tightly curled, long enough for some of it to fall across his face, though Gabriel notices Nathan huffs and tucks the stray hair behind his right ear. Gabriel is so used to Nathan’s short hair, the buzzed sides and short faded top, that he has to look again to make sure this is the right person. 

Nathan’s grown a beard too, and its aged his face. He looks more like his father this way; more chaotic, more unhinged. He’s pacing and Gabriel follows the movement with his eyes. Gabriel is almost afraid to approach him, so he doesn’t. He stays behind an ash tree and watches. 

He’s close enough to see that Nathan’s eyes are wild. Nathan keeps looking around frantically, as though he is waiting for something to happen. Sometimes Nathan will stop pacing and pause, and Gabriel wonders in that moment if Nathan can hear him breathing, can feel his rapid pulse from behind the ash tree. However, Nathan starts his pacing again and Gabriel knows that Nathan has no idea he is being watched. This feeling sits badly with Gabriel, pressing on his chest and stomach heavily. He isn’t here to spy on Nathan. He’s here because he loves him. 

So he steps out from behind the tree and walks towards Nathan.

Nathan freezes. His back is turned to Gabriel.

“Hello, old friend.” Gabriel’s voice is so gentle and soft. He tries so hard not to startle Nathan. “I’ve missed you.” 

Nathan is still frozen. Everything is frozen. Gabriel takes another step. Nathan is still frozen.

“If you want me to leave, I’ll leave.” Gabriel wants so badly for Nathan to turn around. He aches inside. “Just tell me what you want me to do now.”

Nathan begins to turn. Gabriel holds his breath. His heartbeat speeds up and the moment takes a lifetime. Nathan is facing him and his eyes are searching Gabriel’s face. Nathan’s eyes are so dark and so wide and Gabriel feels like he needs to sit down or he’ll fall so far into the black pools of Nathan’s eyes that he will be useless and lost in them forever. 

Nathan opens his mouth, and then closes it. His hands are shaking. Gabriel frowns. “Are you injured?” He asks. He takes another step forward.

“Stay with me,” Nathan says finally, his voice low and gravelly and hoarse from the weeks he’s spent in isolation, “but don’t touch me.”

And then Nathan turns around and walks away.

Gabriel hesitates for less than a second before he follows at a distance.

There is something wrong with Nathan. He’s alive and he’s safe but he’s not at peace. Gabriel feels like he will be sick. 

Nathan stops walking and turns around again. Gabriel stops, three feet from his lover. Nathan scratches his head and narrows his eyes. He looks Gabriel up and down, from head to toe. 

“What’s wrong?” Gabriel frowns. “Do I look different?”

Nathan is wildly grinning in a way that Gabriel has never seen him do before, his eyes are wide and almost crazed, but Gabriel finds himself smiling too. “You look the same.” Nathan finally responds. Gabriel laughs at that and then he keeps laughing and he can’t stop. Nathan laughs too, a bark of a laugh that becomes a cackle. Gabriel wants to hold Nathan in his arms and embrace him but he remembers what Nathan said to him and he restrains himself. Instead, when their laughter dies down, Gabriel gestures to the clearing ahead of them, through the shroud of fog. 

“What’s there to do around here?”

Nathan begins to walk towards the clearing and gestures for Gabriel to follow. Gabriel walks quickly, eager to keep up.

***  
“It’s beautiful here.” Gabriel sighs deeply, lowering himself onto a boulder near the bank of the river where Nathan led him. Nathan sits near Gabriel’s feet and stretches his legs out in front of him, silently watching a black bird as it fishes in the water. 

Gabriel watches Nathan’s face as Nathan studies the bird. He looks exhausted and, even though Gabriel has seen this dog-tired look about Nathan before, it still worries him. Nathan deserves a rest after everything he’s been through. Nathan has lived so many lives. He deserves peace for each of them.

A few moments later Nathan turns his attention to Gabriel and shoots him a look that Gabriel knows too well. _I’m fine, stop analysing me_ , the look says, _I’ll tell you when I’m ready_. Gabriel wants to believe it but he doesn’t know if he can, though he tries to believe, for Nathan’s sake. They sit together in silence until the bird catches the fish. Then Nathan jumps to his feet and Gabriel follows him; and then Gabriel follows Nathan into the water, everything between them remaining unspoken. 

***

The night sky is so vast and dark, the black-plum of the sky littered with stars, a multitude of twinkling lights burning beautifully. Gabriel thinks that, scientifically, he sees more stars because there is less light pollution here, in this pocket of solitude. But his heart sings; there are more stars tonight because Nathan is alive and safe. 

They shared a can of Spam in comfortable silence. Now they sit, side by side, looking up at the stars. 

Nathan shifts and lies down on his back, his arms stretched out above his head. 

“I’m glad you’re here.” Nathan says it very plainly but he turns his head to look at Gabriel and his eyes are desperately searching Gabriel’s face and his expression is so openly tender. 

There are a million things Gabriel wants to say. _Fuck, I love you_ is the main one, followed by _I’ve missed you so, so terribly_. The other ones are stupid little ditties, songs about Nathan’s eyes and his longer hair and the curve of his Cupid’s bow. Gabriel wants to reach out and grab Nathan’s hand but he would never want to make Nathan uncomfortable, not when Nathan so clearly asked him not to touch. 

He tries to stick to the words. He tries to say the things running through his mind.

“I met Edge,” Gabriel says instead, “I held him. Nathan, he’s beautiful.”

Nathan’s expression becomes unreadable for a moment. He shifts uncomfortably and sits up, tucking his legs up under his chin and holding himself. Gabriel is instantly filled with regret. 

“I didn’t mean to—”

“Can you tell me what he’s like?” Nathan cuts him off, and his expression is painfully sweet. He’s got this goofy smile on his face and Gabriel can’t help but to grin. 

Gabriel describes every detail of his trip to Annalise’s house. At first, he wants to censor the parts about Annalise and her new husband but he thinks that Nathan would probably rather know the details than listen to a half-lie. For the most part, Nathan listens silently. He asks a few questions here and there (“Has Arran been to see them?” “Do you think Annalise is alright now?” “Does her husband seem unhinged at all?”) and afterwards, Nathan lies back down and smiles sadly. 

“I want to see my son, Gabriel.” His voice is raw and Gabriel’s heart breaks to see Nathan so upset. 

Gabriel sighs and leans forward. “Come back with me. You can see him and I’ll be there for you, if you need some extra support.”

Nathan shrugs and closes his eyes. “It’s not that easy.”

“Why?” Gabriel presses. “What’s making it so hard?”

Uncharacteristically, Nathan doesn’t snap at him or chastise him or yell or try to explain. He turns over on his side and is silent for a very long time. Gabriel can tell that Nathan isn’t asleep but he doesn’t know what to say anymore. He doesn’t want to push Nathan too far. He doesn’t want Nathan to feel unsafe.

Before long, Gabriel is staring into the sky, enveloped by the depth of the night. He falls asleep, without meaning to.

***  
Gabriel wakes to a scream.

He jumps to his feet as his foggy brain struggles to process what is going on. Soon enough, his eyes are open and he is frantically searching for Nathan. 

Another yell tells him that Nathan is nearby. He follows the sound, running quickly. He wants nothing more than to keep Nathan safe. He listens closely, suddenly alert and more awake than he has been in a long time. The instinct of the fighter returns to him. He grabs his knife from his pocket.

He finds Nathan and he drops his knife.

Nathan is backed up against a tree and his eyes are open but they’re not present. His mind is somewhere else. Gabriel knows what this is because he had similar things after he was poisoned. This is a night terror or a hallucination or a vision. Nathan is seeing something that isn’t there. And when Nathan presses his palms against his ears and squeezes his eyes shut, Gabriel thinks that maybe Nathan is hearing things too. 

Instinctively, Gabriel reaches out to touch Nathan. He gently holds Nathan’s wrist in his hand. 

Two things happen.

Firstly, Nathan is brought out of the nightmare and his eyes seem to register Gabriel standing in front of him. His breathing slows down and his hands are no longer on his head.

Secondly, Nathan is lunging at Gabriel, pushing Gabriel to the ground and he’s yelling, repeatedly: “I told you not to touch me!” 

Gabriel can’t breathe like this, pinned underneath Nathan, and Nathan has a hand on his chest and he’s crying now, tears running down his cheeks and snot running from his nose. Gabriel reaches up to push Nathan off him and Nathan stands up and backs away. 

“It’s all my fault.” Nathan says. He cups his face with his hands, covering his eyes as though he can’t bear to look. 

“Nathan, please,” Gabriel slowly stands up and walks towards Nathan, “please tell me what’s going on. I can help you. Please, Nathan.” His heart is racing and he finds himself repeating the same sentence over and over in different combinations. 

He’s standing right in front of Nathan. Nathan is looking at him now, staring him down. 

“I’m not going to touch you.” Gabriel murmurs. “I promise I won’t touch you again. It was an accident.”

Nathan shakes his head. “I can’t.”

He turns around and runs into the night.

Gabriel starts to run after him but Nathan transforms into an eagle and Gabriel sinks to his knees, and then he bends again so that he’s on the ground, his cheek against the soil, curled up like a child. 

***  
Gabriel finds a cottage in Wales, not too far from where he and Nathan had spent time. He knows that it’s unlikely that Nathan will return to this spot soon. But he wants to be here anyway. He likes to visit the trees that Nathan grew, likes to crawl into the hideouts within them and marvel at the beauty. He likes to sit by the river. It’s peaceful and it makes him feel as though healing is possible. 

One Thursday morning, Gabriel is gardening in the backyard. He’s decided to grow vegetables to make more soups and it’s a good distraction, tending to living things. He hears the ring of a bell and a knock at the door. His yellow and orange gardening gloves are covered in rich brown soil and he’s sweating a little so he takes his time removing the gloves and wiping his brow, tying his hair back. 

When he finally opens the door, there is no one there. But there is a book. Gabriel reaches down and picks it up. It’s a battered copy of The Death Of Ivan Ilyich. When he opens up the cover, he finds a note tucked in. The handwriting is familiar. 

_Gabriel,_

_I asked Arran to write this for me. Don’t worry, I’m alive. I’m sorry about it all._  
_I was in a bad place. Am still there but working on it._  
_I don’t want you to pause your life for me.  
_ _But I do want to see you again soon. It will be soon, I promise. _ ~~But don’t wait for me. But also don’t not wait for me. _I don’t know what I’m saying. No, Arran, _don’t write that. _Can you stop it just___~~ __

_Arran is bad at writing down what I say. He keeps writing it word for word._

_I think this is the most I’ve ever said in one go._

_I really love you quite a lot._

Gabriel tucks the note into the pocket of his flannel shirt. He tucks the book into his back pocket. 

That night, he reads the book. It’s very thin and he finishes it in a few hours. He’s read it before but it never really meant anything back then. Now, he understands parts of it.

There is one line that sticks to his brain like glue: “And he has to live like this on the edge of destruction, alone, with nobody at all to understand or pity him” 

He reads it again and again. He writes the line onto a piece of paper. He thinks, perhaps, he has lived this line. He and Nathan have both lived this line, at different points of their lives. Gabriel feels the line burning through his mind and then he takes the piece of paper that the line is written on, and he tears it up.

He closes the book and stores it under his bed for safekeeping.

He doesn’t want to live on the edge of destruction, alone. Not anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> warning for some swearing, general mature themes and also a bit of gore in chapter 2... 
> 
> this is my second ever fanfic in general and my first ever fanfic for the half bad trilogy so please leave me any suggestions you might have!!! i would be eternally grateful.


End file.
